Soil

I lie here,
Toppled.
But I suppose they had a reason.
I have, once again, been knocked down.
A pessimist I am not, but
I will not get up,
Not this time.

I will rest gracefully below this sky.
I will study what I see.
And what I see above me are clouds.
In those clouds I see what I need.
But it seems, it is here
nestled in grass and one with Earth
Is what I want.

I ponder
When my heart ceases to race,
When my heart ceases to be,
What time will the sun read in this sky?
As the wind envelopes and hugs what is left,
I ask that it sings such a hum,
That I am never truly gone.

Advertisements

Summer of Love. ’17

Summers are usual very tedious for me. Honestly, the past 3 summers I’ve ended up in some sort of trouble. I was stumbling through a cloudy time, slipping in and out of good judgement.


This summer, 2017, has been beautiful.
And it is coming to a close very soon.


As a NIght Owl, I spend many nights with my music up loud and getting lost in my thoughts. And nowadays all I can seem to think about is how damn thankful I am for these past 3 months.

Image-1 (3)

I’ve spent this summer living with my brother here with our grandparents, about 2 hours away from my home. We’ve had tremendous fun…

Image-1 (6)

We’ve spent countless hours on the lake. We are lucky enough to have a family home within view of the water, along with a boat to explore it. I’ve had my boat license for a year now, and having the responsibility of taking relatives out to enjoy the glass-like blue water has become very therapeutic for me.

PART_1500068850911

PART_1500068851902.jpeg

We were also fortunate enough to travel (safely) to our nation’s capitol, DC. It was my third visit, but Grandma’s first, so it was special for me to experience with her. Andrew was there for a college visit..I think the hardest part was being away from him for 2 weeks!!

Image-1 (7)IMG_20170714_174419

The getaway was nice, and much appreciated. But my family and I were very glad to be home. Since we returned, I’ve just put a lot of thought into the next year I have to tackle. Quite frankly, it is my last year before adulthood, and my God do I have a lot of work to do.


Words can’t describe just how gracious I am that I have spent this summer to it’s fullest. I’ve very happy. Sobriety is so sweet…family and strong friendships are even sweeter.



Lots of little things have happened, too, that made my world a little brighter…

902110987876192018-account_id=6

A nose ring…

Picture0628171452_1

A new wheelchair…

Birthday blood

Savin’ some lives…(blood donation)

IMG_20170701_224332852-2

Plenty of bloopers…

IMG_20170714_194400

And lots of memories made…<3

 

 

All images taken by Me.

From me to them: #2

‘”What is a curse?”
Say I were to ask a child this simple question, my instincts predict that they would describe a curse as some sort of a wicked spell cast out by a witch and  put upon a human or fuzzy caterpillar that wouldn’t give the secret key to the Ways of the World.
On any given day, I’d honestly say something similar if I was asked the same question. Today was different, though. I’m nearly two weeks into my 17th year of life, and every single day I still reminisce the very dark days of my past despite the fact that I have felt great for a while now, aside from the almost-daily panic attacks. Within the last year I have taught myself to see the beauty in the little things; what colors compliment my own eyes, learning how to let someone in when I need help, seeing the way sunshine really does make days a little bit better.
Today I was overcome by something…repulsive. I’ve struggled with self-image/self-love issues for several years now. My journey of self-love is very much “3 steps forward and 1 back”. And today, a mild, undisturbed, summer day, I stumbled back. The feet that silently pace the vast floor in my mind with grace where brought to a hault; and something in my heart was uprooted and resurfaced. I suddenly could taste it, see it in my mind’s eye.
I’m young, I’m moderately feminine, and I look at myself too many times to count each day. I gazed into a hand-held mirror today. And…I don’t even remember why I did, I don’t remember what I was even checking for. But I didn’t hesitate to direct my eyes and my attention to that cold, dangerous, little circle and gaze into what I’d like to call, Myself. Upon looking in the mirror, I captured that mental image of my face, and it burned itself in my mind, and I thought about what I saw for a while. As much as I would enjoy saying something uplifting like, maybe I admired what I saw and I’m proud of what I become, unfortunately I cannot. At this point in my life, I saw…I saw the representation of my own curse. That’s why I mentioned earlier what we presume curses to be. Curses can be pretty, and they can be coped with, and they can be blessings. But they are also just as capable to be burdens, and killers, and igniters. And fed flames don’t build, they destroy. I see curses as natural. And in some ways, we as human bestow them upon ourselves based on the choices we make in life, or the paths we trip into and are forced to trek down.
Back to the mirror and what I felt. My Curse, one of many, wiggled, and flared, and escaped from it’s jar that has been buried and forgetfully nurtured within my heart. As I sat pondering that mental image of Myself today, I didn’t see me. I saw the Curse. All I could see was how full my face is. I began having flashbacks to weeks ago, months ago, and my face was thinner then; I know it was. I can feel it. I know that feeling this way is wrong and I know it is not safe. And today a war started; a war between Right and Wrong, Her and I. Who’ll win, I’ll have to find out for Myself.

Hands.

BeFunky Design


Hollow breath and numb palms,
I’m pacing here,
I took the keys and the world.
I’ve got it right here in my hands, this life.
A cliff at my feet and no fear.

The one you love the most is the one who knows exactly where the door is
And knows exactly where it leads.
I wasn’t supposed to go like this,
Right?
I’ve got it right here in my hands, this life.

Dares are promises someone else couldn’t keep.
Someone weak
Someone sober.
Right?
I’ve got it right here in my hands, this life.

It’s funny, how you took everything I had and
You didn’t even have to the decency to ask me to go
You told me.
But we all say things we don’t mean,
Right, love?

One square shove in the shoulders sent me into
This eternal pirouette with my eyes closed and my soul gaping open and screaming…
I cradle her right here in my hands, this life.
There is something so beautiful and dangerous about letting her fly that just feels so
Right.


Image created by Me.