Living with mental illness at 16 is not easy. I do it every day though; and only a handful of you at KR know that. You’re probably thinking “big whoop, you’re messed up in the head, why’re you posting about it?” Give me a chance to explain myself then I’ll express why there’s some things I want to get off my chest..
I started displaying obsessive-compulsive tendencies around the age of 12. For the past 4 years, they’ve intensified. My habits and tics are not the stereotypical OCD quirks, such as cleanliness or strange noises. A few of my own include counting things (excessively), facial tics, hand movements, crippling paranoia and the occasional term of severe depression. I even take keen notice of other people’s little habits as well, and after I notice it once, I search for it whenever I’m with them, and if they don’t do what my brain is waiting for, it makes my skin crawl and it’s all I think about. This is a difficulty as well, my brain attaches to something and it’s. All. I. Can. Think. About. All of these are barely noticeable unless you REALLY know me; and for those who do know me, they simply tease me about my face making the same cringing grimace several times before moving on. The crippling paranoia and anxiety is the worst part. Those close to me tease me about this as well, although we know it’s not funny. They know it’s serious and the few that are in on it are 100% understanding.
Anxiety and paranoia run my life. No offense, but you wouldn’t know how it feels unless you yourself cope with OCD. I have unexplainable anxiety attacks literally every single day. The majority of them I can simply sit, breathe, and talk myself through. But then there are those times when my whole body is taken over by an indescribable numb pain. My thoughts become irrational and make no sense. These spurts can last 10 seconds or 30 minutes. When they’re bad enough I become speechless, literally. In these moments human contact makes me feel nauseous..I simply can’t describe it.
My mental illness has recently cost me my significant other. I just didn’t have the emotional capacity to be there for them how they needed…so they found happiness elsewhere. I was heartbroken and angry at first. I blamed myself and my anxiety. Now…the sky is clearing. I had a panic attack today, about a half hour ago. Why? I don’t know. I got slammed in the chest with that feeling and I shut down. I find myself telling people “I’m going to get better, I’m trying, okay?” all the time. Asking for forgiveness for something I can’t control. I don’t think it’s ever going to technically “get better”. I have to get better at coping with it.