I feel bad, but yet again I am just not in the mood to finish my contribution to the 3 Quotes 3 Days Challenge. I’ll get around to it. It’s just that my Day 1 post was pretty time-consuming and I’m just not feeling that.
Instead, I’m sitting in bed, my belly full of my favorite sushi and listening to music that would make my teachers cringe. My anxiety was pretty hellacious today…actually it’s been absolutely horrendous all week. 2 times this week I’ve had what I call my “blackouts”. They’re really hard to explain. I know it’s starting when I get lightheaded and very hot. These episodes can be considered blackouts because after I calm down or fall asleep, I don’t remember anything I did or said while panicking. The 2 times it happened this week (in school), my best friend secluded me in a restroom. The first time I actually did go unconscious for, according to the friend, about 10 seconds. That’s most likely because I get so hot and have trouble breathing. She says that she can barely understand me because my speech becomes indecipherable (stuttering). Today when it happened, I didn’t pass out. She said my speech was still awful and I started laughing nerviously after the meltdown part. After the cloudy feeling leaves my mind, my entire body is just, exhausted. It’s terrifying, really. I can’t help but ask myself, what if I harm myself or others while panicking? What if I can’t get to help and pass out? Why is my brain and body doing this in the first place? If I’m entirely honest, I am on medication for my anxiety and paranoia. They keep me pretty calm in general. So why am I doing this? What’s going on in my brain that overrules the meds? What would I do without my best friend? I’ve mentioned her in several posts…But that question was very vivid after today. If not for her, I’d probably be in pretty bad shape. I mean, that first time I blacked-out and actually fainted, she said I literally was in her arms. So I guess you could say without her I’d have ended up on the floor, and situation really would’ve exploded.