So, I’ve made it known that I’m working to walk again. Things have been going well. I practice a little everyday, some more than others. I’m using muscles that have withered over the years, so needless to say it’s been painful. But it’s something I want so I’ve been working hard.
But I’d like to share something that happened. Yesterday, to be exact. Saturday night I was in the bathroom at a friend’s house. Standing at the sink, knee propped against the cabinet just right, feeling completely steady. Doing my thing cleaning my piercings with a q-tip and saltwater. I let go of the sink for a second to grab another q-tip….and my entire body just..gave up. Down I went, not having enough time to even think about saving myself. It’s semi-embarrassing to admit this, but I hit my head when I fell. I hit it really, really hard. The first thing I heard was my girlfriend yelling my name. But I couldn’t respond. I had burst into tears. Really heavy, breathtaking, tears. Not tears of pain. Tears of…frustration. Anger. A little bit of self-hatred. She got to the bathroom and found me in tears. She immediately asked if I was hurt. Physically, no. Emotionally, yes. I simply can’t put in to words just how frustrating this is. I’m strong and I’m willing. Why can’t my stupid body keep up with me? This journey started weeks ago, and I haven’t fallen. It’s been all progress. But after that one fall, I suddenly was drained of all my pride and wanted to just lay there, on the bathroom floor, and not get back up. And I did just that for a good 10 minutes. Angrily rambling over Her kind words, about how weak and stupid I was. I eventually got my breath back, along with my will to stand up. My head hurt very, very much. But I desire to stand back up overruled it.
I got off the floor. Finished what I had been doing pre-fall. And despite being told to “don’t. Just take it easy after that.” I walked myself to bed using the the doorknobs as leverage.
This was the first fall of a likely several. It was the first meltdown, but not the last.
The bump I acquired will heal, so why fret?