Spark

Goodbye to me
Goodbye to you.
And goodbye to those in between.
Tears
Laughs
Choices.
There were so many things,
Among a lack things,
Like
Regrets
Enemies
Unsaid words.
I gave it all.
They accepted,
Everything.
Me
You
And all those in between.
This night is new
Fire replenished,
Unknown
Intriguing
Incorporeal.
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

15 Favorites (no special order)

  1. Best Mistake – Ariana Grande and Big Sean
  2. Congratulations – Post Malone
  3. EAT – Young M.A
  4. Hot Sauce – Young M.A
  5. Get This Money – Young M.A
    pffff….I don’t have a crush on M.A…….
  6. Come Up – Innocent and Montana of 300
  7. Gold – Kiiara
  8. Ice Melts – Drake and Young Thug
  9. Without You – Ben Rector
  10. When You Sleep – Mary Lambert
  11. Sailboat – Ben Rector
  12. Too Many – Russ
  13. What They Want – Russ
  14. 1st Position – Kehlani
  15. Donald Trump – Mac MIller

;

DISCLAIMER: Hiya guys… So this post is a little different. If you’ve perused my whole blog, read a certain post pertaining to this topic, or are close to me in the real world, you have a brief idea of how anxious of a person I am or you kind of know how genuinely scary my anxiety attacks can be.you’ll kind of understand this. I typed this post out last night in the midst of a severe panic episode. I’ve read through it, and I’ve decided to keep it because its’s authentic and the internet is a place where not a lot is taboo. I realize some of what’s written below doesn’t make sense…sorry. And to whom it may be concerning (probably no one), I didn’t black out. I was entirely safe and there were several people capable of helping me nearby. Things discussed below are my norm. I’ve almost never attempted to put it into words though, and honestly the memory is so milky I don’t remember my logic of doing it, so this is a first.
~Comment if you know what the title of this post symbolizes.

Sometimes my hands shake. And my heart feels like a guilty child. Sometimes I can’t think straight. In this moment I’m having an anxiety attack. I feel like this could be a black-out. Sometimes I panic so severely, that my mind literally takes my physical self places I don’t remember. If I were to let myself go right now, I’d probably wake up in a couple hours and not remember what happened. No worries though, this is normal.

I don’t know why this is happening right now. Nothing bad happened; today was pretty relaxed

Actually I think it was a song
I can listen to a song and a two-word phrase can dust off memories that I don’t want to see, or feel.
What memory this time, though? I don’t know.
I don’t think there is one..I just feel
Gone.
See,
I know I have a severe panic disorder and I know I have Anankastic Personality Disorder
It literally feels like one of the halves of me is just fighting to leave. I have a grip on my own hand..but she’s tugging and begging for me to just let go, the other half will slip in place…I’ll black out, and life will be different tomorrow.

It’s episodes like these where 75% of my poems are written.

Do bruises make me a victim or a hero?
A free spirit or a sinner?
Black, blue, or emotional stains
They’re all the same.


5 things I can see
4 I can hear
3 I can feel
2 I can smell
1 I can taste

The hair dye on my hands, the tipped over kitchen chair, there’s 2 pillows at the left end of the couch and 1 at the right (the one on the right is identical to one of the 2 on the left), the key hanger is crooked, the window is divided into 25 small squares

Congratulations by Post Malone, whoever’s in the bedroom on my right is listening to This Could be Us by Rae Sremmurd, the air conditioner, she just laughed

My fingertips feel like they have little heartbeats, when the fan swivels this way my hair brushes my eyebrow, my feet are cold

It just smells like..this house. The girl I was with earlier had this weird lotion kit that she found online, she made a lotion that smelled like oranges and birthday cake; I guess I can smell that if I really focus

Blueberries, I ate those for dinner.

<3

BeFunky Collage.png

Above is a collage of someone I call Bubby. His actual name is Andrew. Our family tree will tell you we are cousins, but ask him or myself and we’ll introduce each other as our brother/sister. Really, we both have friends that find out we’re cousins and are completely surprised. We’re nine months apart (I’m older) and currently we are both 16.

Andrew and I have been inseparable since toddlerhood. We have so many similarities that keep us close. For example, we both have been abandoned by our biological moms. That sounds very harsh, but it’s true. He’s lived with our grandparents forever, and I reside at my dad’s and spend entire summers with him, with the grandparents. I don’t know where my mom is, literally. His is in Texas.

Andrew is completely deaf. Which creates family jokes; our grandma often says she feels she actually has 2 deaf grandkids, because outside of school you should feel blessed if there’s not earbuds in my ears. He doesn’t speak, hence why I’m fluent in American Sign Language (ASL). ASL is a huge part of my life. It’s beautiful and my knowledge of it is something I am very proud of.

I move here every summer, I say “here” because I’m sitting on Andrew’s floor writing this. (: Summers are usually amazing and adventurous thanks to his goofy butt. The family knows the world better watch out when we’re together, because there’s no stopping us as a pair. We both are dangerously spontaneous and let’s just say it’s made memories. Like, take a look at the collage again. The photo on the middle-right. Me, yellow tank top, nutella eyebrows. Well that makeup job is what happens when Macee and Andrew are up and revving on chocolate drumsticks at midnight and he finds my makeup in my room. That’s not actually nutella, I think it was eyeliner…I think. And yes, for whatever reason he wrote “HEY” on my chest in tinted chapstick. Anyways.

This past week has been horrendous for us. We lost 2 family members. Our great-grandma passed, it was expected; she was very sick. We both took it kind of hard but we had each other. Just as the healing began from that, I lost a cousin from overdose. The cousin was on my bio-mom’s side, so it didn’t really affect Andrew, but he has still been there for me. Thanks Bubby. ❤

Anyways…This was just a little appreciation post. Usually everyone finds a best friend in life, but not everyone might be lucky enough to experience the love of having your best friend since birth. I’d like to say I’m fortunate though.

Summer is almost here and I have a feeling it’s gonna be a good one.

Photos above taken by Me.

Wax

Staring at a candle at 2 a.m., it brings out the worst.
The room I rest in is black, this candle the only thing I see. The flame itself is yellow at the tip and melts to a deep orange towards the bottom. The thin pool of liquified wax simmering at the top is a dark purple, below it, a light lavender. It reminds me of how a clean blanket makes you feel.
Staring at this candle at 2 a.m., it’s bringing out the worst.
I’m really, really sorry. In this black room I’m sitting on this couch that is not mine. I’m asking myself, is there anything I should’ve done? Is there something I shouldn’t have? What could I have done better? I tried really, really hard and I don’t think anyone noticed. They never do.
Staring at a candle at 2 a.m., it brings out the worst.
Lukewarm dishwater.
Warm-smelling lotion.
Cold hands.
Uneven fingernails.
My best friend.
Nicotine
Acid
Coffee stains.
Trapsoul
White lamp light
Home is a person not a place
I’m alone.
Rough towels.
If you didn’t see it,
Don’t say it.
I can’t see here
In this dark room
Where I cannot breathe.
Staring at a candle at 2 a.m., it brings out the worst.