Summer of Love. ’17

Summers are usual very tedious for me. Honestly, the past 3 summers I’ve ended up in some sort of trouble. I was stumbling through a cloudy time, slipping in and out of good judgement.

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This summer, 2017, has been beautiful.
And it is coming to a close very soon.

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As a NIght Owl, I spend many nights with my music up loud and getting lost in my thoughts. And nowadays all I can seem to think about is how damn thankful I am for these past 3 months.

I’ve spent this summer living with my brother here with our grandparents, about 2 hours away from my home. We’ve had tremendous fun…

We’ve spent countless hours on the lake. We are lucky enough to have a family home within view of the water, along with a boat to explore it. I’ve had my boat license for a year now, and having the responsibility of taking relatives out to enjoy the glass-like blue water has become very therapeutic for me.

We were also fortunate enough to travel (safely) to our nation’s capitol, DC. It was my third visit, but Grandma’s first, so it was special for me to experience with her. Andrew was there for a college visit..I think the hardest part was being away from him for 2 weeks!!

The getaway was nice, and much appreciated. But my family and I were very glad to be home. Since we returned, I’ve just put a lot of thought into the next year I have to tackle. Quite frankly, it is my last year before adulthood, and my God do I have a lot of work to do.

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Words can’t describe just how gracious I am that I have spent this summer to it’s fullest. I’ve very happy. Sobriety is so sweet…family and strong friendships are even sweeter.

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Lots of little things have happened, too, that made my world a little brighter…

A nose ring…

A new wheelchair…

Savin’ some lives…(blood donation)

Plenty of bloopers…

And lots of memories made…<3

 

 

All images taken by Me.

From me to them: #3

Today my mind is so quiet
Laughs are echoing around me
And the sparkle everyone sees is blurred.

I think I’ve got The Wallflower Blues.

2.0

A while back I announced that I’d be getting a new addition to my life ..

 

 

 

From me to them: #2

‘”What is a curse?”
Say I were to ask a child this simple question, my instincts predict that they would describe a curse as some sort of a wicked spell cast out by a witch and  put upon a human or fuzzy caterpillar that wouldn’t give the secret key to the Ways of the World.
On any given day, I’d honestly say something similar if I was asked the same question. Today was different, though. I’m nearly two weeks into my 17th year of life, and every single day I still reminisce the very dark days of my past despite the fact that I have felt great for a while now, aside from the almost-daily panic attacks. Within the last year I have taught myself to see the beauty in the little things; what colors compliment my own eyes, learning how to let someone in when I need help, seeing the way sunshine really does make days a little bit better.
Today I was overcome by something…repulsive. I’ve struggled with self-image/self-love issues for several years now. My journey of self-love is very much “3 steps forward and 1 back”. And today, a mild, undisturbed, summer day, I stumbled back. The feet that silently pace the vast floor in my mind with grace where brought to a hault; and something in my heart was uprooted and resurfaced. I suddenly could taste it, see it in my mind’s eye.
I’m young, I’m moderately feminine, and I look at myself too many times to count each day. I gazed into a hand-held mirror today. And…I don’t even remember why I did, I don’t remember what I was even checking for. But I didn’t hesitate to direct my eyes and my attention to that cold, dangerous, little circle and gaze into what I’d like to call, Myself. Upon looking in the mirror, I captured that mental image of my face, and it burned itself in my mind, and I thought about what I saw for a while. As much as I would enjoy saying something uplifting like, maybe I admired what I saw and I’m proud of what I become, unfortunately I cannot. At this point in my life, I saw…I saw the representation of my own curse. That’s why I mentioned earlier what we presume curses to be. Curses can be pretty, and they can be coped with, and they can be blessings. But they are also just as capable to be burdens, and killers, and igniters. And fed flames don’t build, they destroy. I see curses as natural. And in some ways, we as human bestow them upon ourselves based on the choices we make in life, or the paths we trip into and are forced to trek down.
Back to the mirror and what I felt. My Curse, one of many, wiggled, and flared, and escaped from it’s jar that has been buried and forgetfully nurtured within my heart. As I sat pondering that mental image of Myself today, I didn’t see me. I saw the Curse. All I could see was how full my face is. I began having flashbacks to weeks ago, months ago, and my face was thinner then; I know it was. I can feel it. I know that feeling this way is wrong and I know it is not safe. And today a war started; a war between Right and Wrong, Her and I. Who’ll win, I’ll have to find out for Myself.

Roll on, Young One.

To those that have taken the time to snoop my “About Me” section on this blog, you may (or may not have) noticed the mentioning of my chair. If you haven’t, well, now you know. And to those who know me, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about here.

I received some VERY EXCITING news today. My 17th birthday is in 11 days, June 12th. And today I found out my new chair will be delivered!! I’ve been waiting for about 9 months..and trust me, the newbie is long overdue.

The reason I need my chair is something very few people know. There’s only about 5 friends that I’ve thoroughly explained it to, and even they will never fully understand. Honestly, not even doctors fully understand. It’s not that I don’t trust my friends with the information, it’s simply that I will never let my disease be a label. The disease I have is extremely common but I have a very mild case of it. Think of it as I “barely have it”. 7 years ago, I had spine surgery that left me in a wheelchair. Before the operation, I could technically walk, but not comfortably, safely, or for long distances without falling. After the surgery, I remained bed-bound in the hospital for about a week until I returned home and was couch-bound for a couple months. I was put in physical therapy 4 days a week, 2 hours each session. The expected outcome of the surgery I had was to walk on my own. Obviously that didn’t work out. There were benefits, though. Benefits that I won’t mention. Just know there were some. The therapy was INTENSE. I was 10 years old and didn’t fully understand what was happening to my body. I fell into a horrible state of depression and my body shut down. After about 6 months of therapy, my therapists and parents realized the situation was harming me more than it was helping.

Along came Esther. (:

Esther is my chair. Yes I named it. People name their cars all the time. Same thing right?

A common misconception people have when we meet is that I cannot walk at all or that I’m paralyzed.

BOTH OF THESE ARE 1,000% FALSE!!

I’m on my feet a little every day. I take the stairs every once in a while if I have someone with me just in case God forbid I fell or something. I have full feeling in all parts of my body (yes even my legs).

I would honestly call Esther my best friend. No one will ever understand my emotional attachment to my chair. Esther is my way of life. She’s a ladder, a footstool. I have anxiety when my chair’s in another room. When someone sits in it without asking I want to flatten their car tires. Nothing comes between Esther and myself. So when I heard today that my new one was coming in, my first thought was, I wonder how I’ll respond emotionally? I’m expecting to cry. It’ll be tears of joy. Again, something y’all wouldn’t understand. Despite how happy I’ll be, it will be strange/hard letting Esther go. It’s the only chair I’ve ever had, yeah she’s falling apart and my body has outgrown her, but..it’s just the emotional attachment.

Esther’s been through so much in the passed 7 years. I’m so thankful. Hopefully this new one will help me make countless more memories.

This is Esther and myself…
(She’s also a decent shoulder to lean on)

 

As I mentioned before, being thrusted into so many drastic changes in regards to my body and lifestyle sent me into a depressional state that lasted for years that followed and still affects me today. I just want to say though, if you are someone living with things that aren’t the societal norm, it’s okay! Although it may be hard, and people are inconsiderate, you are human. And humanity is a beautiful thing…it’s all about the complex simplicity of individuality. There is little in life anyone deserves to be ashamed of; especially any way that they carry themselves, whether that be by your choice or nature’s choice. We all follow the man-made roads that connect us all, but few are brave enough to stray and be different. When given the option, take the alley everyone else is too scared of.

 

Photo provided by Me.

15 Favorites (no special order)

1. Best Mistake – Ariana Grande and Big Sean
2. Congratulations – Post Malone
3. EAT – Young M.A
4. Hot Sauce – Young M.A
5. Get This Money – Young M.A
   pffff….I don’t have a crush on M.A…….
6. Come Up – Innocent and Montana of 300
7. Gold – Kiiara
8. Ice Melts – Drake and Young Thug
9. Without You – Ben Rector
10. When You Sleep – Mary Lambert
11. Sailboat – Ben Rector
12. Too Many – Russ
13. What They Want – Russ
14. 1st Position – Kehlani
15. Donald Trump – Mac MIller

<3

Above is a collage of someone I call Bubby. His actual name is Andrew. Our family tree will tell you we are cousins, but ask him or myself and we’ll introduce each other as our brother/sister. Really, we both have friends that find out we’re cousins and are completely surprised. We’re nine months apart (I’m older) and currently we are both 16.

Andrew and I have been inseparable since toddlerhood. We have so many similarities that keep us close. For example, we both have been abandoned by our biological moms. That sounds very harsh, but it’s true. He’s lived with our grandparents forever, and I reside at my dad’s and spend entire summers with him, with the grandparents. I don’t know where my mom is, literally. His is in Texas.

Andrew is completely deaf. Which creates family jokes; our grandma often says she feels she actually has 2 deaf grandkids, because outside of school you should feel blessed if there’s not earbuds in my ears. He doesn’t speak, hence why I’m fluent in American Sign Language (ASL). ASL is a huge part of my life. It’s beautiful and my knowledge of it is something I am very proud of.

I move here every summer, I say “here” because I’m sitting on Andrew’s floor writing this. (: Summers are usually amazing and adventurous thanks to his goofy butt. The family knows the world better watch out when we’re together, because there’s no stopping us as a pair. We both are dangerously spontaneous and let’s just say it’s made memories. Like, take a look at the collage again. The photo on the middle-right. Me, yellow tank top, nutella eyebrows. Well that makeup job is what happens when Macee and Andrew are up and revving on chocolate drumsticks at midnight and he finds my makeup in my room. That’s not actually nutella, I think it was eyeliner…I think. And yes, for whatever reason he wrote “HEY” on my chest in tinted chapstick. Anyways.

This past week has been horrendous for us. We lost 2 family members. Our great-grandma passed, it was expected; she was very sick. We both took it kind of hard but we had each other. Just as the healing began from that, I lost a cousin from overdose. The cousin was on my bio-mom’s side, so it didn’t really affect Andrew, but he has still been there for me. Thanks Bubby. ❤

Anyways…This was just a little appreciation post. Usually everyone finds a best friend in life, but not everyone might be lucky enough to experience the love of having your best friend since birth. I’d like to say I’m fortunate though.

Summer is almost here and I have a feeling it’s gonna be a good one.
❤

Photos above taken by Me.