Soil

I lie here,
Toppled.
But I suppose they had a reason.
I have, once again, been knocked down.
A pessimist I am not, but
I will not get up,
Not this time.

I will rest gracefully below this sky.
I will study what I see.
And what I see above me are clouds.
In those clouds I see what I need.
But it seems, it is here
nestled in grass and one with Earth
Is what I want.

I ponder
When my heart ceases to race,
When my heart ceases to be,
What time will the sun read in this sky?
As the wind envelopes and hugs what is left,
I ask that it sings such a hum,
That I am never truly gone.

Summer of Love. ’17

Summers are usual very tedious for me. Honestly, the past 3 summers I’ve ended up in some sort of trouble. I was stumbling through a cloudy time, slipping in and out of good judgement.

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This summer, 2017, has been beautiful.
And it is coming to a close very soon.

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As a NIght Owl, I spend many nights with my music up loud and getting lost in my thoughts. And nowadays all I can seem to think about is how damn thankful I am for these past 3 months.

I’ve spent this summer living with my brother here with our grandparents, about 2 hours away from my home. We’ve had tremendous fun…

We’ve spent countless hours on the lake. We are lucky enough to have a family home within view of the water, along with a boat to explore it. I’ve had my boat license for a year now, and having the responsibility of taking relatives out to enjoy the glass-like blue water has become very therapeutic for me.

We were also fortunate enough to travel (safely) to our nation’s capitol, DC. It was my third visit, but Grandma’s first, so it was special for me to experience with her. Andrew was there for a college visit..I think the hardest part was being away from him for 2 weeks!!

The getaway was nice, and much appreciated. But my family and I were very glad to be home. Since we returned, I’ve just put a lot of thought into the next year I have to tackle. Quite frankly, it is my last year before adulthood, and my God do I have a lot of work to do.

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Words can’t describe just how gracious I am that I have spent this summer to it’s fullest. I’ve very happy. Sobriety is so sweet…family and strong friendships are even sweeter.

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Lots of little things have happened, too, that made my world a little brighter…

A nose ring…

A new wheelchair…

Savin’ some lives…(blood donation)

Plenty of bloopers…

And lots of memories made…<3

 

 

All images taken by Me.

<3

Above is a collage of someone I call Bubby. His actual name is Andrew. Our family tree will tell you we are cousins, but ask him or myself and we’ll introduce each other as our brother/sister. Really, we both have friends that find out we’re cousins and are completely surprised. We’re nine months apart (I’m older) and currently we are both 16.

Andrew and I have been inseparable since toddlerhood. We have so many similarities that keep us close. For example, we both have been abandoned by our biological moms. That sounds very harsh, but it’s true. He’s lived with our grandparents forever, and I reside at my dad’s and spend entire summers with him, with the grandparents. I don’t know where my mom is, literally. His is in Texas.

Andrew is completely deaf. Which creates family jokes; our grandma often says she feels she actually has 2 deaf grandkids, because outside of school you should feel blessed if there’s not earbuds in my ears. He doesn’t speak, hence why I’m fluent in American Sign Language (ASL). ASL is a huge part of my life. It’s beautiful and my knowledge of it is something I am very proud of.

I move here every summer, I say “here” because I’m sitting on Andrew’s floor writing this. (: Summers are usually amazing and adventurous thanks to his goofy butt. The family knows the world better watch out when we’re together, because there’s no stopping us as a pair. We both are dangerously spontaneous and let’s just say it’s made memories. Like, take a look at the collage again. The photo on the middle-right. Me, yellow tank top, nutella eyebrows. Well that makeup job is what happens when Macee and Andrew are up and revving on chocolate drumsticks at midnight and he finds my makeup in my room. That’s not actually nutella, I think it was eyeliner…I think. And yes, for whatever reason he wrote “HEY” on my chest in tinted chapstick. Anyways.

This past week has been horrendous for us. We lost 2 family members. Our great-grandma passed, it was expected; she was very sick. We both took it kind of hard but we had each other. Just as the healing began from that, I lost a cousin from overdose. The cousin was on my bio-mom’s side, so it didn’t really affect Andrew, but he has still been there for me. Thanks Bubby. ❤

Anyways…This was just a little appreciation post. Usually everyone finds a best friend in life, but not everyone might be lucky enough to experience the love of having your best friend since birth. I’d like to say I’m fortunate though.

Summer is almost here and I have a feeling it’s gonna be a good one.
❤

Photos above taken by Me.

Wax

Staring at a candle at 2 a.m., it brings out the worst.
The room I rest in is black, this candle the only thing I see. The flame itself is yellow at the tip and melts to a deep orange towards the bottom. The thin pool of liquified wax simmering at the top is a dark purple, below it, a light lavender. It reminds me of how a clean blanket makes you feel.
Staring at this candle at 2 a.m., it’s bringing out the worst.
I’m really, really sorry. In this black room I’m sitting on this couch that is not mine. I’m asking myself, is there anything I should’ve done? Is there something I shouldn’t have? What could I have done better? I tried really, really hard and I don’t think anyone noticed. They never do.
Staring at a candle at 2 a.m., it brings out the worst.
Lukewarm dishwater.
Warm-smelling lotion.
Cold hands.
Uneven fingernails.
My best friend.
Nicotine
Acid
Coffee stains.
Trapsoul
White lamp light
Home is a person not a place
I’m alone.
Rough towels.
If you didn’t see it,
Don’t say it.
I can’t see here
In this dark room
Where I cannot breathe.
Staring at a candle at 2 a.m., it brings out the worst.